As you probably already know, Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s wedding — a six-day affair in India — was this weekend.
The happy couple is now honeymooning in the Maldives — that’s a blurry them heading toward their private jet, at left.
Like most people we know, they’re going to want a little beach reading, and, conveniently enough, Russell Brand’s “Booky Wook 2” is now out.
The sequel to the inaugural Lemondrop celebrity memoir book club selection, BW2 reaches Mötley Crüe’s “The Dirt” levels of raunch. Because we truly care, we’re giving dear Katy Perry a heads-up on what pages to skip and, for you, a map to where the “good stuff” lies.
Page 110: Beware Russell’s BFFs
It seems that Russell and best bud Matt Morgan shared more than a radio show — they shared women. While Brand insists that “our threesomes were all conducted in a manly bonding way, like a fishing trip — but a fishing trip where two pals simultaneously have sex with their catch.” Perry might blanch at the term that Brand gives these encounters: spit-roasting.
Page 115: The magic of the MILF
Actually, Katy might just want to skip all of Chapter 9, which is charmingly titled “Human Yoghurt.” But page 115 describes Russell’s affair with a lactating mother in which he, yes, drank her breast milk. But don’t you judge him, dear reader! “It was delicious — more savoury than traditional moo-cow milk — which before you condemn me is in itself a bloody odd thing to drink, and certainly the sexual element meant it was the snack you could eat between meals without ruining your sexual appetite.”
Page 145: Admitting you are a jerk doesn’t make it OK
While filming “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” Brand brought a female friend to the shoot in Hawaii. As he flirted with co-star Kristen Bell, Brand thought he had a chance with her and sent the gal pal packing. “I didn’t tell her why, likely I contrived some daft argument about a comb.” Of course, Bell ultimately had a boyfriend.
Page 175: When a threesome just won’t work
Apparently when you spend so much time with groupies, you can forget that you have one stashed in your hotel room as you simultaneously seduce one at the gig. There’s what Brand calls “the obvious solution of a threesome,” but what about when that’s not a possibility. Apparently the answer is to go to the hotel room, make up an excuse, grab your passport and book a room in another hotel. Katy might want to watch out for this move in the Maldives.
Page 182: The angelic description of the ex-girlfriend
Of course your guy is going to have a past, and you know that there were others, but that still doesn’t mean that you want to read that “Teresa Palmer is pretty … So beautiful that it seems like no one should be allowed to have sex with her; that her hymen should remain for alien archaeologists to peruse in the year 5000, when maybe they can quantify such beauty.”
(See also: the entire first chapter, which is an ode to Kate Moss.)
Page 200: Getting two women to agree to a threesome
This section, naturally, mentions Perry’s hit “I Kissed a Girl.” Brand gives readers a four-step process in getting a threesome going: 1) “Seduce one woman”; 2) “Make that woman feel beautiful and empowered and give her a lovely old-fashioned orgasm”; 3) “Ask if she’s ever kissed a girl before and, indeed, if she liked it”; and 4) “Call a woman with whom you’re already undertaken this process; unless your partner already has a girl that she’d like to involve.”
Page 233: Awkward use of a gift from your musical idol
If you’re familiar with Russell Brand, you know that he loves Morrissey and the Smiths. Once he got the chance to interview his idol, and they struck up a friendship. Moz sent a fruit basket, from which “the grapes formed a glorious centrepiece in an orgy I was involved with that day, inspiring the unforgettable line, ‘I can’t believe I’ve had a Morrissey grape in my ass!'”
Page 268: The hang-up about Helen Mirren
We all know she’s a total babe, but Brand’s fantasy of Helen Mirren bathing him kinda squicks us out, especially when “Dame Helen would be vigorously setting about my prize-winning privates” and would end with “[tumbling] into a bubbly wonderland, all squeals and half-hearted admonishments, till thighs part and eyes roll.” That ain’t no way to treat a lady, let alone a Dame.
Page 274: The bacchanalian book tour
Is this a book tour, or backstage at a 1987 Bon Jovi show? With the help of his bodyguard, Brand would pick out girls via signals: “I am not proud of the morality employed during this indulgence, but one has to marvel at the efficiency … it was all the same: wristbands issued, rooms filled with women in their dozens, day after day.”
Pages 297–298: Worst threesome ever
In case you couldn’t tell, Brand really likes threesomes. After another incident of one too many women coming ’round, he starts out on steps one and two of getting a threesome going with the first woman and thinks that the other lady has slipped into the room and is, er, stimulating his backside. Unfortunately, the first woman suddenly shrieks, “NOBU! GET DOWN!” and we learn that, “I turned my head to see that my bottom was being licked by a bulldog.” This incident helps to bring Brand on the path to settling down with Katy Perry.
While Katy might want to skip these 10 sections, there are two important ones she should read. First is the dedication, which is to her and notes that this is his past and she is his future. And then, on page 82, are the words that any woman feels relief at reading: “[Courtney Love] gets a right drubbing in the papers, but she’s brilliant. We never had sex, because we became mates.”